Hannibal V Constantine (hannibalv) wrote,
Hannibal V Constantine
hannibalv

July 22, 2001

Just gonna get to it, tonight.

Angelo: What are 5 things you want to do before you die?
HVConstat9: Christ. Um...I don't know. I mean, there are a couple of things I'm waiting for that I need to see before I die, but...beyond that, I'm more or less ready to go at any time.
Angelo: I sort of figured. I don't know why I was thinking about it, but it just kinda came to mind today. I'd like to own a plane, maybe fly a fighter jet once. I'd love to write a great computer game. I'd like to see Egypt. Actually playing in a band and getting paid to appear might be neat. Oh, I know why- I was accidentally reading a Sark book today.
HVConstat9: This maybe, is at the base of an issue for me: I have no dreams. I have no deep-seated desires, really.
HVConstat9: (and oh, yeah, this is going into tonight's journal.)
Angelo: Well, I'm gonna have to chalk that up to Fear Of Failure, personally, but that's just 'cause I knows ya. ;)
Angelo: When I was younger, people who claimed to be suicidal confused the hell out of me- I always figured that, should I decide to do it, I would go and rob a bank first, or, at the very least, drive my car off a cliff, just to see what it was like.
Angelo: Then, the idea kinda morphed into a simpler "I would ask that girl out" or "I would go and gamble all my money away" kind of thing.
Angelo: Since then, I found out that the reason people don't do this is because when one is REALLY suicidal, there isn't a lot of pleasure in the idea of flying cars or winning at Vegas, etc.
HVConstat9: When you've got the end in sight, usually you're just marking time, waiting for it.
Angelo: I don't know about that- for me, it wasn't a constant thing. I would have a fight, and just want to lie down and then I would lie down and I wouldn't want to talk then I wouldn't want to breathe then I wouldn't want to curl up anymore I just wanted to not be.
HVConstat9: You know what I'm waiting for, right?
Angelo: But, in any case, what I DO know about it losing a lot of games because I'm afraid to get hurt, etc. It's trite, but it's a fact of life- a lot of the time, we take ourselves out of the game. I don't play basketball because I'm positive I'll suck- therefore, I don't get practice, don't do better, etc. And, yes, I do.
HVConstat9: Like I've said previously--if I don't know at the beginning I'm going to be good at it, I won't even bother.
Angelo: Right. And, when I left for college at first, I felt the same way, really, toward a lot of social things too. I don't know. I feel like I'm just talking here and not saying what I'm trying to say. So: get the fuck up and do something, just because it's there to do. Stop making the nature of "desireless" a part of yourself, and let yourself desire something- from Coke over Pepsi (it better be!) to writing a winning screenplay, etc.
Angelo: Fucksake, dude, my dad's been making this cool web page for a month now. He never knew that he wanted to, and now he's experimenting with all kinds of java and shit. He hated his job for 30 years. He could have been doing something else, but he was afraid. Don't make that mistake.
HVConstat9: I'm pretty sure I wouldn't know what to do with happiness if it happened...and if it did, I'd probably fuck it up.
Angelo: Three guesses as to whether that's a self-fulfilling prophecy. First two don't count, so go nuts.
Angelo: Pick, at random, an activity that it would take a little bit of preparation to do.
HVConstat9: I don't know. Running a marathon.
Angelo: "a little bit." Say three hours total.
HVConstat9: I don't know. I can't think of anything.
Angelo: I'll pick something: What is a piece of furniture that your house would benefit from?
HVConstat9: Bookshelves, I guess. I could always use more bookspace.
Angelo: Then go get some lumber (cheap) and build a bookshelf.
HVConstat9: I don't have any place to put it.
Angelo: Damnation, boy, try harder.
HVConstat9: Dude, seriously. I've got NO space.
Angelo: Sigh. Anyway, I'm just trying to come up with something arbitrary for you to do, in order to get you in motion. The furniture thing was a bust- how about writing the lyrics to a song, or something.
HVConstat9: Maybe.
Angelo: The point of the matter is thus: do something.
HVConstat9: I don't want to do anything but wait.
HVConstat9: (And if I wasn't doing something, I wouldn't have started this damn journal.)
Angelo: I believe that. But I also believe that, if you DID a few things, it might make you say "well, that sucked, but maybe THIS would be better," etc.
HVConstat9: How wrong is it of me to be content as an observer, and not a participant?
Angelo: It's fine, if you believe, alone at night, that you've been a participant in your adult life, you gave it a shot, and you truly won't ever like it, even if you worked to get better at said thing.
HVConstat9: Is observation participation?
Angelo: You tell me.
Angelo: "If you need to ask" and all that?
HVConstat9: I think so, going by Heisenberg.
HVConstat9: Art is incomplete without an audience.

To amend this conversation a bit: I thought of one thing I'd like to do-I'd like to visit the Pro Football Hall Of Fame someday. But that's minor.

I'm serious, though. I don't have any dreams. I don't know that I ever have. Even if someone says, "You wouldn't like to be the head film critic for the New York Times?", the best I can do is a shrug and "that might be nice". Suggestions? Ideas? Anything? Anyone?

Today's Link Of The Day is from the place that just might become my favorite restaurant in the world, if I ever get there: http://www.ilovepeanutbutter.com

JHR
7/23/2001 3:18 AM
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