Hannibal V Constantine (hannibalv) wrote,
Hannibal V Constantine

Someone Else: How's things?
Me: Hanging on.
Me: In other news, I'm being accused yet again of overthinking.
Someone Else: Sounds like something I accuse you of.
Me: ("Accused" is perhaps too harsh a term. It sounds so--well, accusatory.)
Me: But what does it mean when I don't really want to make new friends and would in fact rather withdraw from many of the friends I already have?
Someone Else: That you're clinically depressed and need medication.
Someone Else: You know, logically, that friends are beneficial, and you enjoy their company a lot of the time.
Someone Else: But, illogically, you fear disappointing/hurting/embarrassing/whatever them. I'm guessing.
Someone Else: I dunno, man.
Me: Le sigh.
Someone Else: But I'm not going anywhere.
Someone Else: So, fuck y'all. ;)
Someone Else: What do YOU make of it all?
Me: I make...I make the realization that I haven’t come one-tenth as far as I thought I had over the past year.
Me: I thought I was doing better. I'm obviously, like, totally not
Someone Else: Whoa.
Someone Else: Let's back up for a second.
Someone Else: You think this is really a straight-line progression?
Someone Else: People have good days and bad.
Someone Else: Good weeks and bad.
Someone Else: Good months and bad.
Someone Else: Having a bad battle isn't losing the war, to mangle a phrase.
Someone Else: You know this. But you want to feel like failure.
Someone Else: And I'm not willing to give in to that.
Someone Else: Because I've heard a lot of positive stuff from you this year.
Me: I never thought all that much of myself as an actor, but I've been playing the part of someone who's having a good time with life for the past 11 months so well even I started to believe it. It's good to have an experience like this every so often to put me in my place.
Someone Else: Analyze that last sentence from the standpoint of a non-invested third party, and tell me what you'd say in response.
Me: "You don't get to determine what your place is."
Someone Else: How about "You don't have a place. That's arbitrary and intellectually bankrupt."?
Someone Else: I'm sensing a good deal of frustration on your part, so I don't want to beat anything into the ground here, but let me say this:
Someone Else: You're talking about wanting to see this girl socially, and then about not wanting to meet new people, etc etc etc.
Someone Else: Do you have any goals, at this point? Do you desire anything, long term?
Me: Not that I can think of.
Someone Else: I can certainly imagine that, sitting in your situation, unsatisfied with present experience but with no clear cut vision of a desired difference, it would lead to a certain malaise.
Someone Else: Don't you think?
Me: Yes.
Someone Else: I also think that it's probably in your nature to deny yourself the right to have goals, because of mistaken thoughts of "your place" and a self- punishment of disallowing the possibility of growth.
Someone Else: Don't you think?
Me: From a detached, logical POV, yes.
Someone Else: And I also think that the best way to combat this is to imagine what you WOULD want if you allowed yourself, and then figure out what goals you can begin working toward.
Someone Else: But, I swear to God, I think it's important to be working toward something.
Me: Quite probably. But I need to scoot.
Someone Else: Think about it.
Someone Else: Make a list.
Someone Else: Don't critique them.
Someone Else: Go have a good day.
Tags: conversation, mental health, open-book

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