May 31st, 2005
Someone Else: How's things?
Me: Hanging on.
Me: In other news, I'm being accused yet again of overthinking.
Someone Else: Sounds like something I accuse you of.
Me: ("Accused" is perhaps too harsh a term. It sounds so--well, accusatory.)
Me: But what does it mean when I don't really want to make new friends and would in fact rather withdraw from many of the friends I already have?
Someone Else: That you're clinically depressed and need medication.
Someone Else: You know, logically, that friends are beneficial, and you enjoy their company a lot of the time.
Someone Else: But, illogically, you fear disappointing/hurting/embarrassing/whatever them. I'm guessing.
Someone Else: I dunno, man.
Me: Le sigh.
Someone Else: But I'm not going anywhere.
Someone Else: So, fuck y'all. ;)
Someone Else: What do YOU make of it all?
Me: I make...I make the realization that I haven’t come one-tenth as far as I thought I had over the past year.
Me: I thought I was doing better. I'm obviously, like, totally not
Someone Else: Whoa.
Someone Else: Let's back up for a second.
Someone Else: You think this is really a straight-line progression?
Someone Else: People have good days and bad.
Someone Else: Good weeks and bad.
Someone Else: Good months and bad.
Someone Else: Having a bad battle isn't losing the war, to mangle a phrase.
Someone Else: You know this. But you want to feel like failure.
Someone Else: And I'm not willing to give in to that.
Someone Else: Because I've heard a lot of positive stuff from you this year.
Me: I never thought all that much of myself as an actor, but I've been playing the part of someone who's having a good time with life for the past 11 months so well even I started to believe it. It's good to have an experience like this every so often to put me in my place.
Someone Else: Analyze that last sentence from the standpoint of a non-invested third party, and tell me what you'd say in response.
Me: "You don't get to determine what your place is."
Someone Else: How about "You don't have a place. That's arbitrary and intellectually bankrupt."?
Someone Else: I'm sensing a good deal of frustration on your part, so I don't want to beat anything into the ground here, but let me say this:
Someone Else: You're talking about wanting to see this girl socially, and then about not wanting to meet new people, etc etc etc.
Someone Else: Do you have any goals, at this point? Do you desire anything, long term?
Me: Not that I can think of.
Someone Else: I can certainly imagine that, sitting in your situation, unsatisfied with present experience but with no clear cut vision of a desired difference, it would lead to a certain malaise.
Someone Else: Don't you think?
Someone Else: I also think that it's probably in your nature to deny yourself the right to have goals, because of mistaken thoughts of "your place" and a self- punishment of disallowing the possibility of growth.
Someone Else: Don't you think?
Me: From a detached, logical POV, yes.
Someone Else: And I also think that the best way to combat this is to imagine what you WOULD want if you allowed yourself, and then figure out what goals you can begin working toward.
Someone Else: But, I swear to God, I think it's important to be working toward something.
Me: Quite probably. But I need to scoot.
Someone Else: Think about it.
Someone Else: Make a list.
Someone Else: Don't critique them.
Someone Else: Go have a good day.
Actually, I'm surprised that I'm worrying less than I anticipated.
Not that you're not having a rough go of it -- but the fact that you have a friend as insightful as Someone Else encourages me. And the fact that you're open to discussing the issue encourages me. And the fact that you're posting about it encourages me.
And here's a smile for you: L.A. Austensen is still a crack-smoking sonofabitch who fucks armadillos up the ass.
(I haven't heard any news from/about him. I'm just making a logical assumption.)
Someone Else is a genius. Listen to them. Your friends (who happen to not want you to pull away, dammit) like to see you happy. And I genuinely believe that goals help. Otherwise, why are we here? Forget about the inherent risk involved in those goals, or revel in it. Either way, have them.
To belatedly answer your IM, I would care if you left. Someone Else is Someone You Should Listen To. A bad day is just a bad day. Sometimes they come in groups, and it can be hard to take or understand, but they are cyclical to some degree...and regardless, you can make the best of things if you allow yourself to do so, no matter how cynical you are.
Don't go away. Me likey you.
Of course I worry, only because I love you!!! You have a very wise friend in Someone Else, it seems reminiscent of conversations we have had - each playing both roles - and I know only that having you as a friend has made even some of the worst days worth fighting through.