Hannibal V Constantine (hannibalv) wrote,
Hannibal V Constantine

September 10, 2001

I've asked before, and I'll do so again-I'm not doing this rhetorically: Is observation participation? Details below.

Tricky's "Blowback" is AMAZING.

I mentioned last night that I have a football-related item that had to wait until today. Well, here it is: I am involved with three different fantasy football leagues. One through NFL.com, and two through Yahoo. I couldn't comment on them really until tonight, after the Monday Night game. Anyway, I won the matchup in my Yahoo Winners League (which I was allowed to enter after winning my Yahoo Public League last year, on my first try at fantasy ball), and got soundly thrashed in the other two leagues. But it's early. Should be fun.

Bought the omnibus screenplays for "Memento" and "Following". It's nice to have money and be able to buy stuff.

Had a session with my Herculean task today which was pleasantly non-Herculean.

OK, I'm bothered. Here's the first part of what bothers me:


You like television. At parties, you lounge around on couches and watch other people flirt and act stupid. But at the same time, you're happy enough to go along with the group. You don't like drawing attention to yourself - red platform shoes or flamboyant, sequined outfits are out of the question. A perfect evening for you means a cozy chat with a good friend and a pint of Haagen-Dazs.

Like all mellow folks, you're not too into serious soul mining. You'd rather just relax than freak out about yourself. But at the same time, you recognize that understanding your inner nature can help you further develop your sense of intuition, discover parts of yourself that remain below the surface, and learn how to better communicate with others. And that's cool, right?

At work, you're a team player, but chances are you aren't clamoring for that big promotion. Where to go for lunch is enough of a decision for you. You work best under a routine, and you avoid challenges that require too much improvisation.

The above, in turn, precipitated the following conversation:

Angelo: Yo.
HVConstat9: Hey. Fair warning: I'm wistful bordering on depressive.
Angelo: Duly noted.
HVConstat9: How's life?
Angelo: It's life. How are you? What has caused wistfulness?
HVConstat9: Incoming.

(I sent him the above assessment.)

HVConstat9: I know I'm overworrying about it, but still.
Angelo: Reading. .
Angelo: Okay. I don't see anything negative in here.
HVConstat9: I might as well be wallpaper.
Angelo: Oh, really?
HVConstat9: That's how I read it.
Angelo: So, then, why do I still think of you as one of my closest friends, and one of the more interesting people I've ever met?
HVConstat9: The chip in your head.
Angelo: Damned Ruffles. . . . Seriously, though- you're a rock for me. And I appreciate that.
HVConstat9: But do I do that for you (and others) at the price of my own personality and existence?
Angelo: That's a hard question, seeing as you've utterly destroyed your own willingness and ability to desire.
HVConstat9: Have I, though? I've talked about it, certainly. Success, however, is debatable.
Angelo: Well, you certainly have me convinced. I guess I don't know how to answer that.
Angelo: Comments?
HVConstat9: I'm not sure how to answer it. The question I'm asking tonight in my journal is one that's come up before: "Is observation participation?"
Angelo: And, of course, there's no straight answer, and, indeed, if it was it would be moot- the real question is, "does observation satisfy you?"
HVConstat9: Someone just pointed out my cannibalistic namesake's mocking of the blunt dissecting tool that is the psychological test/profile. That brightened me a bit.
Angelo: You're ducking the issue.
Angelo: The test itself is meaningless- your opinion of your own function and desire in life is more important.
HVConstat9: Does observation satisfy me? I don't know. It's rather Darryl Zero-y. Zero, of course, was a clockwork man, and a maniac, until he broke through the "ob"s.
Angelo: True. Someone gives you 2 billion tomorrow- what do you do?
HVConstat9: Hoo--I need a home. I'd kind of prefer something old, but it's not really important. I'd give away a bunch of it, both to people I know (congratulations, you're running a theatre), and those I don't (Hey, people looking for cures for AIDS and cancer: how would you each like $50 million?)
HVConstat9: And then...I'd like to go into film production.
Angelo: Why film production?
HVConstat9: Because it's one of the only things in the world I love, film is. I'd like to be able to get good product out there--stuff I want to see, even if no one else does.
Angelo: And, in doing so, you end your role as an observer, and begin a role as a provider. Which is a desire. But, naturally, you're not doing it now because you've beaten your desires down with "realities."
Angelo: I'm probably arguing a non-contested point, but all I'm really saying is that you really are pigeonholing yourself into the status quo position, and could let yourself be a lot happier.
HVConstat9: But this gets back to me not knowing how.
Angelo: I, personally, believe that no one really knows how to be happy. Especially not at this age. So, they go out, get laid, buy houses, drive cars, go swimming, see Europe, etc, until they start to zero in on it. Look at old [English teacher we knew in HS]-that mufucka did pretty much everything from driving buses to painting scenery, before he finally decided to stick with teaching for a while. Does that make sense?
HVConstat9: Kind of. But I have difficulty doing any of the things you've mentioned, for various reasons.
Angelo: Sure. And people have a hard time getting to Europe or buying houses. And, some of these things take years of wanting and working towards. But, for many people, delayed gratification is okay. Notice I'm not saying it's okay for me, because it's not, but I'm saying that not all adversity should immediately stop your plans.
HVConstat9: How do I know when it should, then?
Angelo: There's no real good rules of thumb in life. This year, maybe you'll say "I won't stop seeking my dreams unless it turns my loved ones away from me." But, maybe down the road, you'll say "I won't stop chasing my dreams until a really nice opportunity at a quaint old house comes up instead."
Angelo: So, it's up to you.
Angelo: However, for now, it being up to me, I think I must go sleep.
HVConstat9: Enjoy. I've got a lot of writing to do. ;)
Angelo: Cool. Hope I helped, some.
Angelo: Goodnight. :)

I'm not sure. The answer of "Observer" disturbed me a bit. It seemed very passive to me. Anyone care to try to help unravel this?

Ultimately, though I know the whole thing's meaningless, I'm disheartened by it.

Today's Link Of The Day is eMode's Ultimate Personality Test. It's what I took to get the "Observer" classification. Go try it yourself, see what happens. http://www.emode.com/c/7048/personality/

9/11/2001 2:03 AM

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