Hannibal V Constantine (hannibalv) wrote,
Hannibal V Constantine
hannibalv

June 4, 2002

And so we have arrived at one year.

I don't exactly know what I expected when I started this project, and I'm not any clearer on it now.

I don't think I expected to be sitting here a year later, trying to string together a (somewhat retrospective) "one year later" piece.

I'm sure I didn't expect to be as mad at myself as I am that I failed to complete a full year of one-entry-a-day. Trying to talk about this year without talking about the meltdown would be (pardon the conceit) like trying to discuss the year 2001 without mentioning September 11. And believe me when I say that I am PISSED about blowing the streak. I've got people telling me to relax about it, to let it go, but I just can't. Setting goals is something I rarely do, so not actually accomplishing this one hurts a lot. Melting down (as I did-I don't think there's a better way to express it) less than two weeks before the anniversary borders on the inexcusable. It made/makes me feel weak and stupid and powerless and all I'm left with now is impotent self-directed rage.

I've had good days and bad days over the year. An inordinate number of entries have dealt with the fact that I've had little to nothing to say for that day, which sort of makes me wonder if I just wasn't living or remembering or thinking or trying hard enough, and again, I get angry.

Why has this exercise, which is, theoretically, supposed to help me deal with my normally-strangled emotions, become such a launching pad instead?

About a month ago, when I knew the anniversary was coming up, I thought it would be mildly interesting to put together a "How Well Do You REALLY Know John?" Quiz, based on the previous year's collected works. Well, there's no quiz, and I'm fuckin' angry about that, too.

What the hell? What the hell? What the hell?

Anyway, I particularly welcome comments today-thoughts on what I've said tonight, favorite moments/line/bits from the past year, everything and anything. Talk to me.

One other thing: I had also considered retiring/retooling the Link of the Day, but now I've decided to leave it as-is. In fact, look for at least one interesting announcement there within the next week.

Today's Link Of The Day, as it did at the six-month mark, brings us back to the beginning of this whole benighted endeavor. New readers can start here and track the whole year; longtime readers can tell me if/how I've changed. Go read. http://www.livejournal.com/users/hannibalv/day/2001/06/05

JHR
6/5/2002 3:39 AM
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