Hannibal V Constantine (hannibalv) wrote,
Hannibal V Constantine

June 18, 2002

I've got a bunch of things to say, actually, but many will go unsaid.

When you've flirted with self-destruction as deeply and often as I have, it gets to be oddly like an addiction. Consider the recovering heroin addict who sees the world in "Junkie-o-vision" and has a constant itching in the back of their head that says "YOU WANT SMACK! YOU WANT SMACK!" In a similar vein, think of the alcoholic who, no matter how many meetings he attends, wants nothing more than to crawl inside a bottle never to return. Self-destruction-generally defined here as actions one undertakes that would be harmful to one's body, professional standing, mental health, social status, etc.-works (for me at least) in much the same way; there are long patches of time each day where the only thing that stops me from punching through a window or quitting a job or telling a friend "fuck you and everybody who looks like you" is a sense of self-control. I can control my desire for self-destruction. I can. I CAN.

The questions that linger are these: for just how long can I control myself? And what happens when I no longer can?

All I have for now is my grip.

On a totally different subject, if you're reading this on Wednesday, send Happy Birthday e-mails to Kathy Stanek. Especially if you don't know her.

Today's Link Of The Day is a little something to remind you that anti-U.S. sentiment isn't rally something new. http://www.fecundswamp.net/~hatridge/stamps/

6/19/2002 2:21 AM

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.